I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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