She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
