You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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