im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
