I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
