Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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