Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
