If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
