wakey wakey hands off snakey
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize