You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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