just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
