When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
