i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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