haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
