I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
