I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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