The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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