I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
