hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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