if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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