Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
