I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
