hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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