Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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