I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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