How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
