You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
