It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
