I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
