you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
