I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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