Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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