he puts the penis in happiness.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
