you guys were way drunker than both of me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
