Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
