3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
