Where did you get a picture of my penis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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