Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
