Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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