oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Alive.
So much puke
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
