you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
