How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
