At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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