my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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