My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
is that a dick in a sweater?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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