Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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