...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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