I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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