I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
