Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
