Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want nice things and good sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The Olympian is in my bed
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
