i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize