Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
