You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
