you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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