he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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