She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize