Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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