I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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