Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
