Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
